A very tasty Larburger.

I'm the ace!

2009-09-22T14:25:00Z

HEY GUYS. I HAVE INTERNETS AGAIN.

Hikkikomori

2009-09-15T16:07:29Z

I'll settle down in my new apartment tomorrow, but in a stroke of genius I won't have a working Internet connection there until Thursday next week (or a bit sooner of I'm lucky). So unless I'm blessed with unprotected wireless Internet routers near my living room, I probably won't be around much for a while. I still think the good outweighs the bad here though seeing as I'll finally get to live somewhere that isn't a complete morass.

Take care of yourselves until then, f-list!

larkips @ 2009-08-06T17:20:00

2009-08-06T15:40:46Z

NGHHH FUCK YES! I FINALLY HAVE BLAZBLUE!

bbl sublime and boundless happiness.

What the fuck.

2009-07-29T13:45:56Z

HI F-LIST! :D

I recently hit a mild hurdle in my scholarly pursuits when I was greeted by this tragicomic nonsense:

"Do we need rhetoric today? What challenges do new mediums like the Internet provide on this matter? Write an essay and argue your point."

At first I was perplexed. Asking whether or not we need something that's UNAVOIDABLE in ANY form of human communication is just stupid beyond rhyme and reason and adding the notion of challenges provided by the Internet just cements the idea that this is something taken from the forum of an Angelfire site devoted to Death Note posted by an 11-year old girl trying really, really hard to sound smart by using several big words at once. Anyone with half a brain would refute this by saying "No, you can't separate it from human communication, remove yourself from the gene pool you subhuman fuck." And that would be the end of that except for maybe the occasional whiny PM with "MODERATOR PLZ!!" in the subject line.

So naturally, when asked to write an entire essay on this - for a class that in the US would equate to post-college course in my native language - I assumed that something was wrong and decided, in a fit of foolishness, to write an e-mail my teacher about it for clarification. A formal affair, polite and proper, asking if they really intend it to require a 2500-5000 word essay on the subject when the original question is so stupid that it'd only amount to empty air that could be condensed to a sentence of actual substance. Could I perhaps have misunderstood the line of reasoning? Was there a misprint somewhere? Surely, I told myself, they couldn't be serious about writing something that's roughly as idiotic as writing an essay on whether or not we need to breathe air.

Naturally the reply I got inevitably left me in despair (zetsuboushita, etc) and gave me the impression that "SMASH HEAD AGAINST MACE" is part of my teacher's morning routine. I swear that it was just as poorly written, incomprehensible and horribly worded in its original form as it is presented here. And no, I didn't add those unnecessary quotation marks. Ehem, facepalm alert!

"It is a challenge to write an essay of ~2500 or more words, it's a part of the assignment even if the subject itself could be made as large as possible. When you write an article, a PM, or a letter it should follow a "certain size", "a certain number of words", no matter what you want to bring forth.

You are completely right! Rhetoric includes all forms of human communication and is inseperable from it, both verbal and written.
Do you think rhetoric is needed today (verbal?, written?), why, what are your arguments for this?

Maybe there are people that think that rhetoric is overrated, maybe some parts of it because of new forms of media that have been introduced as information sources/channels.
Modern, old rhetoric, differences or not? Are changes needed and in that case why?

Rhetoric has been an important topic at schools, colleges and universities in the past, but then the subject disappeared only to return today as a very popular subject. At the teacher academies they discuss whether or not rhetoric should be introduced as a subject in schools both theoretically but most of all in practice.

In the art of convincing people (verbal, written) are all methods acceptable? How did we do it in the past, how do we do it today when we're trying to convince, create confidence, refer to common sense and feelings? (etos, logos, patos). Differences or not with new medias like TV, Internet, radio, etc.

In your mail you have already written arguments and presented your opinions around the "topic" of rhetoric.

These are not points that you have to keep to in your essay but are more like "brainstorming"!

Good luck!"

In one sweep this convoluted mess somehow manages to both ignore and answer all my questions at the same time. Yes, they're dead serious about me writing a 2500+ word essay on a topic that makes about as much sense as "DO WE REALLY HAVE TO BREATHE AIR IN THIS DAY AND AGE NOW THAT WE HAVE INVENTED AIRCRAFT CARRIERS?" because rhetoric is basically inseparable from human civilization. And in a sense, yes, it's perfectly clear what I'll have to do from here. It does however bring a few new ones to the table such as "ARE YOU FUCKING TWELVE?" and things of that nature.

I wish my copy of BlazBlue would drop into my mailbox already, even its impromptu sketch comedy fictions within fiction make perfectly logical sense compared to this.

larkips @ 2009-07-18T23:07:00

2009-07-18T22:34:35Z

Due to a recent heatwave I've somehow managed to make myself leave my house less than usual, and as the day when BlazBlue drops into my mailbox approaches with the same speed that EU bureaucrats toil through red tape in their everlasting quest to destroy every last trace of Pwn on the continent, I decided to dust off some old games, for better or worse.

√ Guilty Gear taught me that true love can transcend the barriers of the sexes, the many dubious uses of pool cues and teddy bears and that male aerial pirates like to be called "STUD MASTER" be small girls.
√ Persona 3 and 4 has taught me that love can transcend the barriers of the sexes and that it's perfectly fine for me to be the little girl.
√ Final Fantasy X-2 and Dirge of Cerberus has taught me that Square-Enix needs to fuck off from making spin-offs.

None of these games, however, have protagonists that one such as myself can relate to. Luckily however, there's 2008's Hikkikomori Quest.

Hikkikomori Quest: A retrospective analysis

Made by the pixelated overlord probertson, Hikkikomori Quest is the tale of Hikkikomori, a shut-in that hasn't left his house in a year. Today is his birthday, a bitter anniversary of all things that have gone wrong in his life since the cursed day when he was thrown into this world, and it's just a downhill ride from there. After realizing that making a birthday cake out of soap and frozen soup is the dumbest idea in documented human history, he ventures on to whine to 4chan about his pathetic life. Obviously, all he gets is Anons saging his sorrows while telling him to an hero and take pics. On top of this, he has run out of hot dogs and coke.

This is when he makes the biggest mistake of his life.

Faced with certain death by starvation, Hikkikomori leaves his house to go to the local 9-11 store. But since he has been devoid of human contact for over a year, he has to escape into a sub-conscious dungeon realm in order to achieve something as simple as buying food for the day. And because the world hates him, he's instantly assaulted by anthropomorphic snacks

The game then becomes a dungeon crawling mess with strong similarities to earlier titles in the Final Fantasy series. Certainly, you could accuse the game of being a repetitive mess with a grand total of roughly five different enemies to fight, tedious grinding and terrible pacing, but then you'd miss the true message of the game. It's here to tell helpless shut-ins of all lands that hope is the foundation stone of everlasting regret and despair, that no amount of work will ever allow them to get out of the bottomless pits they reside in, and that instead of charging himself up with hope for a better future ahead of him Hikkikomori should just have killed himself just like Anonymous #53632 and the voices in his head keep telling him to. And because he couldn't see reality for what it was in that moment of false hope, he had to fight the Unholy God of Cashiers. And against such mighty tides, he could never a chance and was promptly butchered into pieces.

As a game, Hikkikomori Quest is a mediocre affair that will last you up to three glorious hours, give or take. But as a tome of knowledge, its accurate documentation of life is without equal that will live on for generations as one of the greatest masterpieces of our time. If you want to experience this inrivalled masterpiece for yourself, the free download can be found here.

Obviously, this has very serious business indeed.

Hai guys what's goin' on?

2009-07-02T17:22:15Z

And six months later I find myself outdoors - if you can believe in such an outlandish claim - as I had some scholarly matters to take care of downtown. Alas, fate had other plans for me as a sales representative for the telecommunication company 3 ("The scum of the earth in my book."-Pastor Richards, Vice City) approached, nay, ran up to me from across the street. Ehem.

"DO YOU HAVE A CELL PHOEN? ^O^" was yelled in my general direction. Before I have a chance to politely ask the fiend to GTFO the cacophony continued as "DOES A GIRL LIKE YOU NEED A NEW PLAN FOR UR CELL PHOEN??? ^O^" echoed across the realms. Is it the hair? Or is she stupid and blind? A brief moment of silence followed. "You're a girl, right?" Awkwardness. "Right?" A real-life counterpart to a D:-face followed.

With whatever trace of masculinity I may previously have possessed broken and shattered on the spot, I realized the errors of my ways in venturing outside, promptly walked home and decided that I had to find a way to deal with this predicament. After putting much thought into the matter I came to the logical conclusion that I should lock the door to my apartment and head back to LiveJournal.

SO. Hi guys! What's going on? :3

Christmas cheers!

2008-12-24T01:43:37Z

I got the Noro virus for Christmas. :D

:/

2008-12-07T23:22:55Z

...*FAP*

EDIT: Oh yeah, happy birthday/Pearl Harbor Day, Butler-kun.

:|

2008-12-07T01:47:54Z

...Mmmmm...

:\

2008-12-05T20:16:40Z

Hmmm...

FUCK YES!

2008-11-05T04:09:41Z

YOU WERE THE BEST BOSS FIGHT EVER!

larkips @ 2008-11-05T01:03:00

2008-11-05T00:06:04Z

I THINK I AM GOING TO SPEND THIS EVENING WATCHING THE US ELECTIONS UNFOLD STATE BY STATE ON BBC. THIS IS MOST CERTAINLY GOING TO BE AN ENRICHING YET ENTERTAINING EXPERIENCE AND IT MOST CERTAINLY WON'T LEAD TO ANY DEGREE OF PHYSICAL OR MENTAL PAIN ON MY BEHALF. ಠ_ೃ

Oh yeah, happy birthday pana and uncompromisable. Stay kawaii. ♥

WHY WON'T IT LEAK?!

2008-10-27T18:36:52Z

Vain attempt to kill some time.

Vanity
(Self inserts, mary sues, and the likes)
[_] Written a self-insert fic?
[X] Given an in-series character your hobbies, likes, or dislikes? (Only to rare occasions to fill in the gaps created by AU circumstances. Don't hate me please?)
[_] Created a Mary-Sue/Gary-Stu? (Satire doesn't count, rite Rae?)
[_] ... And then zealously denied they were one?
[X] Invented and populated an alternate universe so complex it might as well be an original novel? (Several times.)
[X] ...And then eventually decided to make it into an original novel? (Sorta)
[_] Claimed a given character as YOUR boyfriend/girlfriend/exclusive drooling property?
total: 3

Avarice
(the money you've shelled out for fandom goodies)
[_] Gone without basic necessities to get fandom necessities instead?
[X] Spent over a hundred dollars on fandom related good at once? (suic)
[_] ...Over five hundred?
[X] Purchased dvds, doujinshi, manga, etc. directly from Japan?
[X] ... when you don't speak/can't read Japanese?
[_] Bought music, food, cherry flavored lube because you saw your favorite character enjoy it in series?
[_] ...Because you saw it in a fic?
total: 3

Envy
(Cosplay and mimicking characters)
[_] Cosplayed an age/gender/weight/body inappropriate character?
[_] Cosplayed a character you know nothing about?
[_] Cosplayed as a love interest of your favorite character just to get cosplay attention from said character?
[_] Made out with someone because of who they cosplayed?
[_] Stalked some one online/at a con/at school, because of who they cosplayed/RP/remind you of?
[_] Claimed a character as your muse/soulbond/head mate?
[_] Claimed you ARE a given character? (Doesn't count if you're trolling retards on MSN.)
total: 0

Wrath
(Flame wars, shipping, and other rage inspired by fandom)
[X] Started or been involved in a flame war over a pairing? (It's hilarious, everybody should try it some time! :D)
[X] ... Over someone not writing/RPing a favorite character "right"? (It makes it even funnier as it generates more angry replies! :D)
[_] ... Over someone claiming 'your' character as theirs?
[X] Written a fic just to bash a character you don't like? (It's a good stress relief.)
[X] ...and killed them horribly in the fic? (Well, I used to be a guro writer...)
[X] Hated a ship or character because of someone who supports/RPs it? (konichiwa Akane-chan! ( ' v ' ) So baka-desu ne...)
total: 5

Lust
(PR0N)
[X] Written/RPed/drawn lemon as a virgin? (I started when I was twelve, gtfo)
[_] Used something you read in a fic/RP on your RL boy/girlfirend?
[X] Wrote a completely impossible crack pairing smut which became a fandom staple? (Made everyone ship toasters for a while, that probably counts.)
[_] Can you recommend fics by kink?
[_] Suggested something on a kink meme and then fulfilled your own request?'
[X] Written/enjoyed a kink that completely squicks you in RL?
[X] Discovered a kink because of fandom?
total: 4

Gluttony
(All nighters and other gluttonous consumption of fandom goodies)
[X] Watched an entire series in one sitting?
[_] ...And it was more than twenty episodes?
[_] Eaten only anime-related foods (pocky, sushi, etc.) during a marathon?
[_] Played any sort of anime drinking game?
[_] ...Created an anime drinking game?
[_] Applied for a character in an RP just so that no one else could RP them?
[_] Claimed all the fics for your fandom/pairing in a kink meme?
total: 1

Sloth
(Blowing shit off you need to do for fandom things)
[X] Stayed up all night RPing/reading fic/watching anime/playing video games when you had school/work the next day?
[X] Asked for an extension on something you didn't do because you were reading fic/RPing/watching anime?
[X] Read fic or RPed while at school/work?
[X] ...And it was smut?
[_] Made things up because you were too lazy to check series facts for your fic? (Not that I know of at least.)
[X] Filled out a fandom related meme when you should have been working/doing homework? (Doing it now, actually! :D)
[_] Created a fandom related meme when you should have been working/doing homework?
total: 5

total: 21

Ranking:

0-7: Fandom Virgin - You are a pure, untouched soul. You've never been in fandom before. In fact, you probably aren't sure what it is... Just don't ask us to be gentle, okay?

8-14: Fandom Saint - You're a saint! You've done so little wrong in fandom! ... In fact, you're kind of boring. Go out and write some smut already!

15-21: Repentant Sinner - You've made your mistakes in the past, but you're ready to let that go. With some good fic or fanart, you'll be in the fandom gods good graces again. Now get on your knees and show me just how sorry you really are.

22-28: Middle Way - You're a walking contradiction. For every good fic and thoughtful review there's a flame and a self-insert to balance it. You're a fence-sitter, neither good nor bad, though you have the potential for both. So make up your damn mind already!

29-35: Bad Influence - You're certainly not the worst that fandom has to offer, but your fandom soul is more than slightly tarnished. In fact, you might be responsible for the corruption of others. But you probably don't feel sorry about it.

36-42: Damned Sinner - Where am I? Where are we going? And why am I in this fandom shaped handbasket? ... Well, at least we've got really good smut here.

43-49: Fandom Demon - You've done it all, been around the fandom block, and baby, you don't even regret it. Satan could learn a thing or two from you.

Time well spent, amifactual?

FAILFAILFAIL

2008-10-08T19:07:59Z

What a spectacular day it was! Glorious from the first few minutes of rubbing the sleep out of my eyes to this present moment of writing this entry! Blessed be the Chairman and long live the PRI! Within a time frame of just a few hours I've not only had the delightful pleasure of dealing with psychs insisting that I start using addictive narcotics to make me a less misanthropic member of society and been notified that I'll have the prestigious privilege of having to go another month without pay! Hailu Ilpalazzo! Also, western civilization as we currently know it is also being crushed under the weights of its own economic failures, which cheered me up a little bit as well. :D

Alas, all is not well. The very foundations of the Internet are currently trembling as a new disaster looms in the horizon. Namely, the Tokyo Game Show which kicks off tomorrow. Much like E3, events such as this tends to cause every retard and perman00b with a keyboard to cry out litanies of idiocy that can make the Death Note fandom look not-all-too-retarded for a few brief moments. Now, I wouldn't normally go out and mention a trivial event like this, but there was a particular rumor which has annoyed me somewhat in the past few days and prompted me to cautiously build shelter and procure provisions to survive the apocalypse. Namely, the rumor that Kingdom Hearts 3 may, just may, be announced at this show. The moment this rumor started, fangirls everywhere took to arms, unleashing wave after wave of attacks that threatened to shatter the very fabric of the Internet while the rest of us with dread recall the aftermath left in their wake the last time as the sheer volume of MS Painted Aku/Roku art and second-grade Riku/Sora fics written by 12-year olds cut a deep wound into our blessed Internet.

Now, because of my name and the fact that I used to roleplay as a character from that series it has become a common misconception that I'm a fan of those games. Which isn't really true, but let's not go into details. Seeing as I'm somewhat more bored, laptop deprived and dead than I normally am, I'm going to try and waste my own time by making a phony, supposedly productive entry here in an effort to waste my own time when I could be doing something productive that no one will read. Ehem.

Hao 2 maek KH3 not suck: A drama-documentary made out of srz

Now, this is just a collection of hypothetical ideas for improvement, but I'm certain that if implemented, we'd have a game which actually might be fun to play and which I wouldn't have to feel ashamed of owning.

First of all: Kill Sora, preferably in a drawn out, excessive manner. I cannot stress the importance of this enough. Worst main character ever. He's the thickest idiot to have ever existed and whenever he opens his mouth to stutter lines ably voiced by Hayley Joel Osmen it feels like the entire world is sucked into a dark void of idiocy, much like hearing Sarah Phailin laugh. In his place the game should revolve around a character that actually has a brain and people other than rabid yaoi fangirls that think Gravitation holds cultural value can relate to. I am, of course, advocating the revival of Squeenix's greatest troll, Larxene. Because, y'know, a game where you play as a sadistic cunt that likes to cut children in the face and molest lolis does make for better entertainment than what playing generic_braindead_shounen_fag #53897 ever could.

Secondly, omit everything even remotely relating to Disney (with the possible exception of The Nightmare Before Christmas since Oogie Boogie is fap-worthy). This would actually allow the game to be taken seriously, allow it to actually have a narrative and would make it suck significantly less. Chain of Memories proved that somewhere someone was at least trying to make something cogent out of this series, which of course was buried under a ton of fail.

Thirdly, no more card games. Unless you'd include Yami Malik as a crossover boss fight for some batshit insane and unexplainable reason and add let us kill Mokuba and Rua/Luka/whatever. Then it'd be totally ~~fappable~~ acceptable.

Fourthly, revamp the combat system to make it a combination of Ninja Gaiden's perfect degree of challenge and its solid control scheme, Devil May Cry's physics, God of War's boss fights and blatant flirt with guro (probably goes for the NG bit too since Itagaki admittedly faps to impalement) and God Hand's customizable combo system and special moves. Probably needs a lot more guro; I'd suggest setting up an intellectual committee consisting of Kouta Hirano, Tomonobu Itagaki and David Jaffe to accomplish this goal.

Fifthly, I kinda think we should get to actually kill Tidus and Cloud Strife. Actually, getting a chance to decapitate large portions of the Final Fantasy casts for generally failing and hogging fangirlism from characters that deserve it better even within those fandoms would make the entire world a significantly better place for all of us to live in and would reduce the world wide suuk ratio to pre-1992 levels once again.

Sixthly, less blatant ~*~kawaii~*~boys~*~loev and moar yuri. A balance has to be struck; do NOT let the yaoi fangirls annex the Internet again with their 30,000+ KH yaoi fics out of which only a hundred (tops) even had cogent sentence structuring and grammar. A balance of power has to be put in place lest we'd want Harry Truman to rise from his grave and complain about how disappointed he is with Greece's level of freedom.

Finally, the game would probably be better if it was developed by the remnants of Team Ninja and the old folks from Clover/Platinum Games.

To finalize: Kingdom Hearts 3 might actually be a good game if it has nothing to do with its prequels and is centered around ridiculously violent combat with over nine thousand sequences of brutal animations and a strong narrative free from the disfigured claws of the Disney Empire. To preserve the series crossover staple I suggest that the eyes are aimed at things that suck significantly less from a narrative perspective. What that could be is open up for debate, but the idea of boss fights against animu/game characters that don't come from the worst pieces of source materials imaginable (for the intended purpose at least) would be moderately epic from a gameplay/story/fapping standpoint. A rating of M would probably help the latter, too.

Of course, none of this will happen and the end result will most likely be another sixty hour long hi-def yaoi flick that will go to extreme lengths to appeal to babyfurs. Pride Lands? You ain't seen shit yet. But alas, I can always dream, rite? Also this shit is serious fucking business and I totally didn't write it solely to kill an hour of free time.

And yes, I've seen this and no I don't think it's a giant falsehood and recognize its authenticity, STOP LINKING ME TO IT WHENEVER I SIGN ON TO AIM, would you kindly? Thanks. :3
EDIT1: This means you too, bidoofs you gigantic faggot of proportions that rivals the size of Cid Highwind's cock.
EDIT2: HOLY SHIT SOMEONE LISTENED TO ME.

bbl, fangirling over S.T.A.L.K.E.R Clear Sky.

B&

2008-08-22T11:34:36Z

(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

OFFENSIVE WORDS DETECTED: Sora, toaster, cocks, COMBINE HARVESTER.

EDIT: I might actually put something in here to actually make this post, you know, not entirely useless.

Trolls Among Us - A New York Times analysis on trolling in the modern Internet era

In the good traditions of FOX News, they even refer to "lulz" as a corruption of "lol". Moderately entertaining.

Adventure Quest: The Dark Journey

2008-08-06T17:41:20Z

Today's adventure began when a certain ~~faggot~~ friend of mine (let us call her warplanes for the sake of maintaining her privacy) voiced complaints about me never actually posting anything here. Gasp! Shock! Of course this boils down to a very simple fact of life: I generally don't have much to say that isn't utterly uninteresting since my life usually consists of cursing objectivists, writing dubious works of literature, avoiding work, roleplaying as seme!women and being very, very bored. Ergo, the things I say and do tend to end up in the "shit nobody cares about" cateGORY, a bit like how I haven't really cared about my journal's layout in the past nine-or-so years. Clearly, this grievous issue needed a remedy - quickly. And thankfully enough, one such thing presented itself later in a conversation that didn't actually take place.

larkips: IT IS INDEED A PERILOUS SITUATION THAT WE FIND OURSELVES IN! WILL THE SATELLITE OF LOVE PREVAIL?
bidoofs: get a life lol
larkips: How does one such as myself attain such a powerful artifact?
bidoofs: idk lol go outside.
larkips: So what, is it like a game or something?
bidoofs: yes. brb having sex with the brave little toaster LOL!! キタ――――――(゜∀゜)――――――ンッ!!

Said and done, I tried the damn thing in order to murder some time. It was a fatal mistake.

GAME REVIEW: IRL

The first thing that struck me when I started this was the photo-realistic graphics. I'm not going to lie, it's truly the most awe-inspiring and photo realistic piece you'll ever see this side of the of the red ring of death. The attention to detail that has been put into it is simply astonishing with a ridiculous amount of detail put into even the smallest leaf on the ground to to the graffiti on the walls to the general urban decay and pollution. It all creates a brilliant sense of immersion that really makes you feel like you're in a bitter industrial wasteland mixed with a suburban hell. The second thing that really caught my attention was the physics engine. Your character moves, jumps and performs actions with unparalleled realism and while I have always been more of a fan of games like Devil May Cry that take a softer approach on this subject matter, it's executed in such a well-made fashion that you just have to respect the designer's decision given the splendid results (even if I was a bit annoyed by the fact that my character couldn't run very far without having to slow down for a short period of time).

The story however is pretty weak. You're either live in the United States, China or Russia (or a puppet state of one the three) and you have to... Dramatic pause... Survive! What, is that it? Yes, apparently that's all you get. A really weak storyline to go by and one that I've seen a billion times before, so let's ignore that and move on instead. The actual gameplay lends heavily from cult classics such as GTA and Postal 2 and adds roleplaying elements reminiscent of the Fallout series. The quest-based structure is a lot like the one in Postal 2; you're given a set of tasks to complete each day on a to-do list before you can head home and advance the storyline. Solving these quests tends to be pretty open-ended on paper, but we'll get to that later. As you complete your quests your character slowly gains new abilities and skills which are needed to advance in levels. The system is functional for a first-person roleplaying game, but it's extremely tedious and leads to a lot of unnecessary grinding, which certainly isn't helped by the fact that the quest system and its scripts are largely broken. Sadly, I don't see any patches in the horizon that might fix this sad state of affairs, so this may be an unaddressed issue for a long time to come. Furthermore, it's a bit frustrating that when you're traveling between destinations in the game, there's no way to skip the drawn-out and boring transportation sequences. This could have made the game's quests less bothersome, but again we're faced with incompetent design.

But this isn't the biggest issue. The worst and most critical flaw is the AI. Frequently I was forced to witness NPC:s doing, saying and no doubt thinking things that were unreasonably stupid. This can manifest itself in various ways, all the way from dregs in the streets performing Jackass-inspired stunts to supposedly adult NPC:s arguing why a flat tax system benefits the poor or how China has murdered 9.4 billion Tibetans since 1950. On a related note, the dialogue in the game is absolutely horrendous. Even if most dialogue trees give you virtually endless options on the paper the AI simply fails to respond in a reasonable manner due to inept programming and outright shitty scripting, leaving you on your own most of the time. Honestly, you'll have a more enriching experience typing "COCKS" over and over to a bot on AIM. Whenever you're supposed to do a quest with an aforementioned NPC they tend to get stuck in walls and just generally slow you down as well, which is irritating. In the you wish that had done something as simple as adding the option to go postal like in GTA and punish the stupid autonoms and their shitty AI as it would've made the game a much less irritating experience. Sadly, that isn't an option due to the game's punishing in-game moderation system based on "Karam" that permabans you for even thinking such blasphemous thoughts, making this fail even harder than every other MMO out there.

Bottom line: It's an open-ended experience that has a lot of potential, but they evidently put all the focus on the graphics and neglected the story and actual gameplay, thus leaving us all with a disappointing, hollow experience that's mediocre at best and outright infuriatingly frustrating at worst. Trust me, you're better off just sitting home watching anime re-runs. No matter how you look at it, it won't be as much of a waste of time as this sea of venom.

I really wish that I had just sat on my couch surfing the Internet for lesbian guro, but thanks to this horrendous game all I can do is to sit here in my eternal sorrow thinking about the Larxene X Harley Quinn pictures that I never got to view. Fuck you, IRL. Fuck you.

FINAL SCORE: 21/100. Avoid this game at all costs.

Oh yeah, happy birthday bobdelilah. A thousand lolis shall be shipped to your castle is Washington, etc, etc, etc.

Teru, why did you do this to me?

2008-06-27T21:46:22Z

OBJECTION!

This can hardly be a coincidence, your honor! Let the court record show that Mikami is an extraordinary gaymaker and that he's to blame for the catastrophic faggotry that the foolish owner of this journal has displayed in recent years!

Zombie armageddon

2008-06-14T04:24:14Z

Happy birthday, bidoofs!
You're a grown man now, here are the keys to the Trabant. You earned 'em, buddy.

Also, bobdelilah: MGS4 is pretty damn win. ♥

CAUTION SIGN

2008-05-19T15:20:38Z

THIS IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GAME EVER
Or maybe I'm just overly excited about the fact that the same team that gave us God Hand and Okami is back in force again. Or it could be the fact that you apparently play as the bastard m!preg offspring of Cid Highwind and Gene running around in a game show where you have to stab people in the brain with CAUTION SIGNs and that I'm easily amused by things of the kind, immature fuckhead that I am. What an utter shame it is, then, that the Wii is a worthless piece of shit with a grand total of two games that aren't a four year old ports or one of the worst games ever and that I'm not getting it just because this and No More Heroes seem kawaii.

I also app'd Larxene at neo_rpg after re-writing my application over nine thousand times. I think it came out OK. In b4 rejected.
... This reminds me that I still owe bidoofs a fic after losing that bet. SPOILER: Battletoads. That's all.

EDIT1: wtf i got accepted
EDIT2: I really need to write that fic.

teh blazn azn

2008-04-16T14:36:18Z

04-16-2007
NEVA 4GET!

Ohmnomnom.

2008-03-19T13:04:30Z

Behold, the unsurpassed glory that MS Paint is capable of, crafted with the holy powers of boredom and boysauce. TNX KIMMYOOO.
On a totally unrelated note, I really wish that the kind people providing me with my Internetz would stop randomly dying on me at home.

Herd u lyk toastahrz.

2008-02-14T07:48:55Z

On this day of S.A.D I figured I'd post something fitting the theme of love so that you'll all have something to keep yourself alive as you swim through the sea of commercialism and fail that S.A.D is. This is a fic that me and bidoofs wrote back in the good ol' days (lyk 2007), but it has now been DIGITALLY RE-MASTERED and EXTENDED with ACTUAL PLOT DEVELOPMENT (ahaha oh wow) and, of course, Hitler. Because as we all know, it just isn't Valentines Day Single Awareness Day without that kawaii bish. So without further empty air, onto teh fic!

Title: The Brave Little Keyblade Master
Series: Kingdom Hearts/The Brave Little Toaster/Phoenix Wright, references to Resident Evil, Gurren Lagann and Pokémon.
Pairings: Riku/sora, implied Sora/Kairi (in her dreams roflcopter!), Sora/Riku/Kawaii Merchant of Love, Larxene/Franziska von Karma, Roxas/*, etcetcetcetcetc, lots of them.
Rating: A+ for AWESOME!
Warnings: May cause strain from fapping. Blahblahblah look out 4 teh yaoi/boss fights/machine code.
Summary: Riku and Sora take their gummiship out for a spin. Little do they know that they've embarked on the most epic journey of their lives.
Word Count: Roughly 6000, each made out of the purest gold.
Time taken to concieve and write: Don't even want to think about it.
Complete?: THE SAGA SHALL CONTINUE.
Authors' note: We did it for the lulz and the lulz alone.

Pelvic Prologue

Sora and Riku had decided to take a lovely stroll through the worlds on Sora's gummiship (more appropriately named now -- "The Luvboat"), now that the two had wanted some time alone with one another, ever since they had budded into a new relationship with each other. At this time of day Kairi was usually off at school, so it was the best time of day for the two to sneak out without the girl knowing. Sure, Kairi was their friend and all, but if Kairi knew about their relationship it'd be a mess, due mostly to her annoyingly obvious feelings towards Sora.
"Riku, stop that!" Sora whined as Riku attempted to feel him up from the passenger's seat. Sora swatted his hand away with annoyance. "I'm trying to drive, unless you're okay with crashing and dying!"
"C'mon, Sora..." Riku sighed, running a hand through his silvery hair. "We've been together for weeks now, and we haven't even done anything yet. Just put The Luvboat on auto-pilot."
Sora couldn't help but blush a bit at the stupidity of his gummiship's new nickname. Why did he let Riku re-name it again?
The brunet set the ship to auto-pilot and sighed, crossing his arms stubbornly. "Fine, but it's your fault if we die!" Riku smirked, gripping Sora's arm and dragging him back the cockpit. Get it? Cock? Pit? Cocks?

Just like Riku had re-named the ship in a manner that fitted his love for pits of cocks, the cockpit itself had been re-fitted into an extravagant fortress of lust, their “private quarters for their private parts” as Riku himself had stupidly put it back in the day.
"Aren't you glad we moved our stuff over here so we won't have to hide it from Kairi and our off-screen parents?" Riku asked with a kawaii smile as he unbuttoned Sora's pants and snuck down his masculine hand down said pair of skin-tight jeans and the panty treasure that laid beneath, grabbing his liquid snake and turning it solid with a few strokes from the fist of fury.
Sora couldn't help but cry out like a catholic boy being touched by a pedobear priest. "Of course! Kairi's probably jealous of my new panties, anyhow. And she'd probably try to steal them! Do you like the ones I picked today, by the way?" Sora asked (a remarkably stupid piece of dialogue but he’s hot, so no one cares). Riku smirked lustfully in response as he slid off his vest and pulled down part of his zipper. "After all, I know pink is your favorite color, Riku. And I thought the cute bunnies added a neat touch!" he giggled, groping Riku's massive pectorals of steel.
Bunnies, of course, added a kawaii acronym to the whole scene however, Riku thought, as he was going to hump him like a submissive bunny-boy. "They look very kawaii on you Sora!" he said as his hand stroked the balls and manhood of the boy. "They match your kawaii hair. Your spikes are like cocks." he said, which made Sora very horny. As Riku said this he pulled his pants off, revealing that he had no underwear but a gargantuan penal pylon capable of hitting a home run in every game of cock fencing they played back at home to make up for it. "How about we put the sausage in the frying pan?" Riku said hornily to Sora, who was so kawaii that he couldn't hold back any moar.
"Oh God, Riku, why does it turn me on so much when you say things like that..." Sora moaned as he tried to grab the nearest object he could find to prep himself with before Riku would shove his twitching gargantuan man-cannon inside of his anal cavity; what he found was a ... toaster? Odd. Why was there a toaster inside of their sexytime cockpit? He shrugged, discarding it over to the side. "Just do me dry!" he whined, "you know I like it hard, anyhow." He could take on Riku's x-box!hueg meat spear.
Lovingly, Riku grabbed Sora by the waist and shoved him down the Eiffel Tower of Meat (TM) located between his masculine legs. He groaned, "Oh my God Sora!" he shouted as he pulled Sora back up his length for another deep-sea adventure into Sora's butthole, "It must be... OVER NINE THOUSAND DEGREES! OH MY GOD you're so hot Sora....!!" he shouted sensually into Sora’s ear as he unleashed over one hundred megatons of anal apocalypse unto Sora's two-way Heman Highway. Little did he know however that in his attempts to grab something to hold on to, Sora had turned off the autopilot, and with Roxu's cock covering the entire universe as they knew it, neither of our heroes had any idea that their sexytime quest for boylove would soon have a great and not-so-kawaii twist.
Sora screamed as Riku shoved his body down, shoving his mortal man mayonnaise makers into his butt pipe. "Riku! You're so BIG! OVER NINE THOUSAND INCHES DEFINITELY!" he exclaimed kawaii-ily, gripping his own tantalizing testicle terrier and stroking it to the pace of Riku's erotic ass pillage. Sora was about ready to fire his mediocre-sized jizz rocket when the ship suddenly shook violently, causing him to fall off of Riku's pulsating python. "What just happened?!" Sora asked, startled.
Oblivious to what was going on Riku couldn't believe his eyes. His cock was so huge. "WHO'S A MAN AND A HALF SORA?! I'M A MAN AND A HALF! I'LL RIP AND TEAR YOUR RECTAL CAVERNS!" he screamed, but as he moved his cock away to see out of the cockpit he saw something even huger than his bestial bratwurst. Out there was none other than the evil moon from Majora's Mask having sex with Monstro the whale, and they had crashed into them. The gummiship, much like Riku's and Sora's hormones, had totally lost control and was spiraling downwards into oblivion like a dramathread on Gaia Online. "OH SHI-!" Riku shouted. "We're gonna crash! Hold on to my cock! It's our only hope!" he commanded, and thought of himself to make himself extra hard, turning his cock hard enough to penetrate the roof of the ship so they could hold on to it when they crashed and survive like love and butterflies itselves.
"RIKU! I'm scared!" Sora cried when he'd observed the ship crash, feeling himself get a bit dizzy as The Luvboat completely lost control, and Sora knew there was only one thing at this point that could protect him from suffering a horrible, gory death: Holding onto Riku ........ 's cock.
He lunged towards his sexy manfriend and wrapped his arms desperately around Riku's massive man-machine. He felt assured that he'd be safe now -- he knew Riku's ginormous manhood was sturdy enough to withstand even the mightiest of earthquakes and volcano eruptions. Not that any erupting volcano was more of an epic display than when Riku released the sizzling heat of his torrent of boiling hot fertility fluid, that is. Not to mention that no earthquake could even dream wet dreams about rocking the world as hard as Riku did when he slammed his whalecock into the ground (or Sora’s ass for that matter), something that caused siesmic vabritions that could be felt far and wide across the multiverse.

As the Luvboat and its jolly crew plunged down toward their joint destinies gallons of precum from Riku's world-spanning pelvic crocodile rained down on them leaving no one dry and all free to feel the seme. With Riku’s immeasurably huge anaCOCKda constrictor showering them both and thus cooling them down as the Luvboat became a meteor over nine thousand degrees hot, Sora knew that he loved Riku and that they were both a very kawaii and hot couple that wouldn't have to dine in hell tonight as long as they stuck together as one, but rather dine on each other’s anal anthem’s instead like the lolilicious butt-pirates they were.

BOOM!

Chapter the First: A Brave New World

The gummiship-turned-meteorite finally crash-landed onto this brave new and unknown world, Sora still holding onto his boyfriend tigh... whoa. Where did Riku go? And why were his arms wrapped tightly around a Nintendo Entertainment System (NES)...? And why was this such a big NES? Sora looked utterly confused. "R-Riku?" he called out, peering around a bit. He couldn't find Riku anywhere! Strangely a small pink RAZR phone and an NES were randomly in the cockpit now? "Riiiiiiiku?" Sora tried again, opening the door to the Luvboat and hopping out. Sora had never seen grass this green, and grass blades this huge, soaring towards the sky like Riku’s cocks. Where were they?
In before Sora could ask more questions, the answers were revealed to him. The NES started moving, and Sora edged back. The NES spoke to Sora, "W... What's this TOASTER doing here..."
As the NES spoke, Sora couldn't help but be just as confused by the toaster part as he was aroused by the sensual movements of the gray box of mandom with it's sensual emerald-colored eyes. "Riku?" he asked. "Sora?" the NES replied, underscoring the unparalleled the depth of the dialogue. Awkward silence followed until Sora then said what every boy would, "Oh Riku... Grant me three wishes by letting me put my GAME GENIE into your kawaii CASSETTE TRAY! <3" which made Riku very horny. But as usual everything would be ruined just as things got TOASTY hot with eight bits of manflesh soaring towards the sky by something very unkawaii.
"I knew it! You were cheating on me!" the cell shouted. "You betrayed my trust! I thought we were going to be happy together Sora! But never again, no more lies! Oh... My God... You've ruined my life... And our future children’s lives... You lying cheating cabron! You just think I'm some weird girl don't you? Don't have the COHONES to stand up to me and admit it do you, you little huevon? Oh... My... God.... I feel so... Oh... I'm a very dramatic person Sora, why must you play with my feelings?"
The cell phone clearly was Kairi, and she was pissed like twelve fat women with sand in their vaginas viewing offensive material on the Internet.
"Kairi?!" Sora exclaimed in shock, and were he to have any eyebrows at the moment, one of them would be raised. "Why are you in The Luvboat?!" he asked suspiciously, pointing one of the black knobs on his sides towards her accusingly.
"Because!" the small pink cell phone whined, "because I wanted to make sure that I could trust you and jfjkfjfkggklklggkhkd.fg....." At this point, everything Kairi was saying became incoherent babbling to the toaster as he concentrated staring at Kairi's new form. Kairi was a flip-phone; the flippy part of the phone was used as her mouth, and around the edges was lipstick and a set of teeth to emphasize this. She was pretty ... fucking scary.
"Are you listening to me, Sora?!"
She then started cursing in Machine Code; better known to the general public as "Spanish". Sora smacked his metal forehead with one of his knobs. He hated when Kairi did this. And now it was even worse as she was an ugly cell phone.

Just as Sora was about to smack her face with a smoking hot slice of loaf (so that Riku could do the same to him if you catch my drift ;D), Riku interrupted them. “Just were are we?” he said and a cinematic started, showing the area around the crash site. Outside the wreck of the sexy Luvboat was a long set of green fields, trees and a blue sky lit up by the sun. It all looked like a 1950’s public service video and close to them was a two-story cottage and then text appeared. “Archipelago of Appliences”. It was the kawaii name of this world.
“Well, that was useful, Sora commented.
“Let’s have sex!” Riku said just as the cinematic ended, but then the door to the cottage opened. Out from it emerged a very kawaii blanket, a vacuum cleaner, a lamp and a clock radio dating back to the Second World War (not that Sora knew THAT, lol).
“Que Pinga?!!? Ustedes comen taaanta mierda cojone Sora maricon!!!!!!!” Kairi shouted, which translated from Machine Code roughly meant “What the fucking fuck are those unkawaii things that are totally fucking unkawaii?!!!!? Get away from my Sora!!!!!!!!!! Now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’ll not tolerate any further theft of my love as it makes me very offended!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh God in heaven, smite these enemies of my one true HETERO!pairing!!!!!!!!!!!!11!1”
Clearly, Kairi’s views on stealing boyfriends were about as informed and attached to reality as your DevianTart member’s grasp on copyright laws.
The blanket edged back. “OMG SCARY THINGS! D:” he shouted kawaii-ily (yes, that is a legitimate word on the Internet), crying as he clinged onto the lamp, who reluctantly accepted his secret (;D) lover’s clinginess. The radio jumped in front of them, “Jerry sighted at 11 o’clock! Man the trenches! Call the P-51 Mustangs! This shall be their Waterloo!” he shouted while waving his antennae around like a sword, which made Riku (and the vacuum) very horny. And made him look like a total fucking moron even for a clock radio, although that was another matter all together.
Sora however wasn’t horny for them (at least… not yet…) and said “omg we’re your friends! Don’t listen to her! She’s stupid! You’re very kawaii! Unlike her! Just tell us what’s going on!” he shouted.
The lamp hopped his way over to the trio, looking at them rather suspiciously. "Are you the leader or something, pal?" the lamp asked, prodding Sora's front with the end of his plug.
Sora scoffed. Of COURSE he was the leader! Riku was just too much of a horny fag all the time to be a natural leader and Kairi was just a moron lol. After all, Sora was the one who became a toaster, and it was obvious that all toasters carried within them a leader-ish quality. "Who did you think was the lea--"
Sora's voice became muffed as Riku wrapped his wire around his shiny body, tugging Sora close to his side. "HEY!" the NES shouted, glaring at the lamp possessively. "Only I'm allowed to prod Sora's body with potentially phallic objects!"
"And me!" Kairi chimed in with a giggle.
"...no, not you, Kairi." Sora and Riku said simultaneously with a face that could only be described as: :|

The lamp clonked the NES with his cord, which made Riku upset and horny the same way Sora felt a mixture of pleasurably painful passion whenever Riku whipped his bare ass with his razoric manrod of gargantuan proportions. But before anything overly violent (and sexy) could happen, the vacuum charged in between them like a Josef Stalin in a wheelchair. “Moan, moan, moan! It’s all you do you lousy runts!” he said and slapped the two into submission with a succession of quick (and disturbingly sexy) whips from his cord. “Just who do you people think you are?!” he then shouted angrily like you’d expect from a vacuum cleaner after you’ve taken sum drugz.
"I'm Sora! And this is my sexy boifriend Riku and my stupid stalker-friend Kairi!" Sora exclaimed, his mood going from aroused kawaii blushes as he talked about Riku to awkward disgust and dread as he mentioned Kairi. "A moon smexing a whale crashed into our Luvboat and… Now we're here…" he said, with a bit of ;___; in his face at the thought of the prospect of spending his life together with that stupid whore Kairi who was already going on his internal machinery (as toasters don't have nerves… Or do they? Or don’t they? Or do they?) with her Machine Code which kept going on in the background, although he managed to ignore it… For now. <.<
But then another pair of lively characters approached the scene, for they'd been riding on the vacuum (Get it? Riding? ;DDD) on its way over here. It was a small, timid blanket, and GASP?! Another toaster?!
Sora made an "D:" face, suddenly not feeling special that he was the only toaster here. Afterall, he could feel the brave, leaderish qualities RADIATING from this unknown toaster-guy. He could never one-up this guy! He slumped as well as a toaster could. "Stop being so rude!" the toaster demanded to the vacuum, swatting him with one of his knobs. "Or else you don't sleep in the bed tonight..."
The vacuum's mad eyes widened, and he hid behind the blanket. Nothing was worse than a night without the toaster's hot buns penetrated by his.... oh.
"Did my friends here introduce themselves or were they just being bullies?" the toaster asked, motioning towards Sora, who looked utterly confused at the whole situation.
"U-uh, no," he mumbled, shaking his head (body?). "They just started interrogating us like criminals!"
Toaster glared at everyone else. They'd all be punished tonight, and they knew it (;D). Sighing, the toaster began to introduce his friends. "Well, I'm Toaster!" he said confidently, motioning towards himself. "Then we have Lampy, Radio, Kirby, and Bla--" Where did Blanky go? "BLAAAAAAAANKY?"
"I'm up here!" the scared little blanket cried as everyone looked up. "Stuck in a tree AGAIN?" Kirby sighed. "Moron!"
"WAHHHHHH!" the loli-shota blanket weeped.
"AWWWWWWW! HOW CUTE!!! ^-^" Kairi squealed. "iQUE CHULA!"

A world away from the kitchen appliances trying to save the kawaii loli-shota blanket, our brave little Keyblade master’s face went from a disillusioned D: to a bitterly tired -_- as the cell phone unleashed yet another barrage of Machine Code upon his frail toaster body. It was time to end this menace once and for all. Decapitate and annihilate! Destroy with joy! No more would Kairi’s Machine Code blight the airwaves! And as the sixth billionth “USTEDA POR BLANKY COHONES D:<” left the flippy part that made out her mouth Sora shouted out a resounding “LOL KEYBLADE!! >:D” from the top of his toastery compartments and the Keyblade, shiny and gloriously glorious as ever, appeared… On the ground. “OHSHIT I FORGOT LOL! TOASTERS DON’THAVE HANDS! ;____; NOW WHAT DO I DO?!”
Then from a bush a cash register jumped forth. “Stranger, Stranger! Now THAT’S a weapon!” he said, pointing at the Keyblade with what best could be described as its head. It was the kawaii Merchant around these lands, and he was veryvery kawaii desu ^o^ indeed. Dirty? Why sure, but it was the dirty and almost rusty nature of his metallic frame that made him so… So… Attractive. This “I don’t care lol” attitude of the cash register was something that the toaster found very kawaii… And very, VERY arousing. It was like an older, more experienced yet ruthlessly uncaring and brutal sex partner to have an affair with behind the back of his regular experienced yet ruthlessly uncaring and brutal boyfriend, Riku the NES. Sora had read in a manga home at Destiny Islands about people having relationships like that. But now he was far away from home and felt intrigued by the prospect having an affair with this hot and horny cash register. Wait… This bears absolutely no relevance to the story.
“WHAT ARE YOU BUYIN’?” the cash register said, and the toaster fell back on the ground away from his wet dreams.
“Huhwhat? OHYEAH LOL. I can’t hold my Keyblade lol ;___;!!!” he said, throwing in some kawaii tears to attract sympathy (or maybe sexually oriented abuse? Who knows!) from the kawaii Merchant.
The Merchant responded by opening the cash register and out of it came something any Keyblade master would recognise as a Toaster-Keyblade-wielding adapter for toasters that allowed toasters to wield keyblades into fiery battles (even cock fencing… though Sora and Riku had their NATURAL Keyblades for those confrontations >;DDDDDD).
Sora needed this divine Toaster-Keyblade-wielding (™) adapter. “DO WANT! >:D” he said sexily and the cash register smiled at the brave little Keyblade master.
“I see you have an eye for things!”, he started, “Gun’s not just ‘bout shootin’, it’s ‘bout reloadin’!” he said in a way Sora interpreted as very lustful, mostly because he wasn’t listening to a word that spew out from the cash register. The label on the adapter read “RYAN INDUSTRIES (®)”, which reminded Sora of the many “Saving Ryan’s Privates” roleplays him and Riku played at home when Kairi was AFK.
Nostalgia gripped him. “Hao much? ^o^”
The cash register made a cash registery sound that you’d expect from any self-respecting shitty cartoon. The dials between the cash register’s sneaky eyes turned and when they finallol stopped they read 500,000,000 Pesetas, roughly worth $6 in non-Mexican currency.
Sora felt in his pants only to realize that toasters didn’t wear pants. “OMG MY PANTS ARE GONE! O:” he exclaimed. The NES felt him up, “Just the way I like it lol >;DDD” he said. “NOT NOW RIKU!” Sora shouted, although admittedly veryvery aroused by the NES and its strong controllers feeling up against his handles. But seriously you guys, there wasn’t time for that.
“Umm we don’t have any munny…” Sora said. The cash register became furious, and not in the sexy way. “NOT ENOUGH CASH, STRANGER!” he shouted and put the Toaster-Keyblade-Wielder (™) from Ryan Industries (®) back and turned around.
Sora grew desperate. “umm lol isn’t there another way ;___;`?!”
At the sound of the semi-colons forming into tears, the cash register turned around and glared at them. “What’re ye sellin’? >;DDD” he said, and Sora instantly got the hint. Sora nodded at Riku, who likewise knew what to do (as this was the ONLY thing he knew how to do). Him and Riku approached the cash register, and mighty controllers and sensitive handles felt him up. “AAAAAH…! I’LL BUY IT AT A HIGH PRICE!” he said and opened himself again. Only this time… The dials read <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 and from the cash register a mighty pelvic pylon emerged. 56.6 centimeters, or more exactly 22.2 inches. Almost as big as Riku. So this wouldn’t be a match for them. Like cleaning. Spilled cum. From the table.
Sora and Riku were ace attorneys at this, and soon the kawaii merchant would know what toaster-hot pleasures that Destiny Islands smexiest bois had to offer and then some.
The handles and controllers continued to feel at the kawaii cash registar, pressing his numbered buttons. Sora giggled especially when the drawer contained money popped out, and Riku quickly tried to shove his controllers inside.
"I'm too hueg!" Riku noted. "I won't fit inside."
"Just the way I liek it! ;DDDDDDD" Sora replied. "Let's try this a different way then!" The toaster's knobs grabbed The Merchant's kawaii pelvic python and attempted to stick it into his ... toast holes?
"AAAAAAAH! I'LL BUY THAT AT A HIGH PRICE! >:3" The cash register prompted.
"i¿PERDON?!" Kairi blabbered in her unkawaii spanish accent, causing the trio to turn around. ...oh yeah. Everyone was still here. lol. Opps. Bobbs. etc.
"Ummm... the more the merrier?" Sora laughed nervously.

Chapter the Second: Finally, a boss fight!

The pink cell phone's deadpan face never changed. Sora sighed. After about an hour of Kairi yelling in Machine Code, threatening to drown herself AND choke herself (DOUBLE COMBO!), and Sora currently wanting to jump into a bathtub to end it all, there was a loud sound of... EVIL CACKLING.
"Oh... OH NO... I KNOW THOSE VOICES!" The kawaii brunet toaster cried, hiding behind his kawaii NES/boifriend. The merchant cash register was long gone by now; perhaps preparing himself for the next time they'd meet again (to SELL things, not what YOU'RE thinking, baka henati lovers<.<).
Three forms appeared before them.
"Who... WHO ARE THEY?!" The Brave Little Toaster (the actual one, not Sora, lolol) asked in sheer horror. The evil cackling never ceased.
Then… A mirror of smoke appeared from no where and this time it wasn’t the unnatural exhausts of suuk being generated by Kairi’s unkawaii Machine Code but something far, FAR moar sinister. And as the veil of smoke turned into a light-grey mist, the silhouettes of a fire extinguisher and a spiked tentacle dildo became visible.

PREPARE FOR DARKNESS!
AND LOADS OF HEARTLESS!
To bring about eternal twilight!
To smex kawaii bishies into the night!
To collect and acquire each and all hearts!
To stick our pieces into the place that farts!
LARXENE!
DEMYX!
Team Nobody will catch you within our iron grip!
But you’ll never be as KAWAII as our Mudkip!

As the kawaii theme song motto of Larxene and Demyx (respectively) ended with a shebang a clock with spiky hair and a Mudkip costume jumped out between the two. “MUDKIP!ROXAS! THAT’S RITE!”
Every one came. Twice.
”ROXAS?!” Sora shouted.
“ROXAS?!” Riku shouted.
“plz kill me. ;____;” Roxas replied.
“Roxas?!” Sora shouted. “What are yoooouuuuu~~~ doing here?!” Sora shouted. Dramatically. It was hard for him to keep his massive helicockter (large enough to transport up to twelve men if you catch my drift >;DDD) in place though. Roxas was hotter than a BBQ of balls.
The tentacle dildo, Larxene, jumped forward and thus interrupting the reunion. “HEHEHE. HEY FAGS.” She said, being unusually polite by her standards.
Sora gasped. “LARXENE?!”
”Sup fags. We’ve come to take the heart of the brave little toaster friend you haev thar.” She explained in a sexy way, but Sora wasn’t turned on. His man-manhole was for Riku and Riku alone, and no dildo except those Riku bought at Wal Mart could get in there.
“But he’s our friend!” Sora shouted.
“uh lol we just met him” Riku said a bit confused, but then again… Around Roxkips, whose mind wouldn’t be clouded by certain fantasies?
“Oh that’s a shame lol. But if you wanna save your Toaster friend you’re gonna have to get through the badguys. And guess wut?” Larxene said.
“WUT?!” Sora replied heroically.
“DemDem is a badguy!” she said and pushed fire extinguisher!Demyx at them before snatching Toaster and disappearing through a door to the darkness.
“WHY ME?!” said Demyx, confused. “I’m a bad fighter lol. ;____;”
“Looks like it’s tym for a boss battle Sora.” Riku said with a frownie face. “The vacuum and the others are still paralysed by the kawaii Mudkip!Roxas. It’s all up to us.”
Sora nodded. This would indeed be a pivotal boss battle that’d decide the fate of the world... And their… *dramatic pause* … Relationship.

SUDDENLY!
"DANCE WATER, DANCE! WATER! WATER! WATER! COME ON KICK TO THE BEAT! WATER! WATER! YOU LIKE IT?! WATER! WATER! COME ON KICK TO THE BEAT! WATER! DANCE WATER DANCE!"
As Demyx continued to dance around like a moron, Sora and Riku realized that they didn't have their keyblades. Opps.
"DANCE WATER, DANCE! WATER! WATER! WATER! COME ON KICK TO THE BEAT! WATER! WATER! YOU LIKE IT?! WATER! WATER! COME ON KICK TO THE BEAT! WATER! DANCE WATER DANCE!"
Sora grumbled. This was ALMOST as irritating as when Kairi complained about things (see: all the fucking time). Which was ALMOST as bad when Kairi complained about things in MACHINE CODE (see: 99% of the fucking time).
The kawaii toaster looked over at his sexylicious NES companion. "Riku?"
Riku nodded. "You got it, Sora."
He then whipped out his sperm machine of might which smacked against Demyx's metal body, causing a loud "PANG" to resound all through-out the entire universe, and he smashed into a tree.
"...did we win?" Sora asked, curiously.
"I think so ^o^" Riku smirked kawaii-ily. "Now, Sora, while I have this thing out... ;D"
Sora blushed. HIS METAL CHEEKS WERE LIKE KAWAII ROSEBUSHES!!!!!!!!!!!
"NOT SO FAST!" A voice screamed.
"Wha--"
Riku was insantly interrupted as a seed bazooka larger than a Snorlax knocked him over, causing him to fall unconcious like a violated Pokémon.
"Riku? RIKU!!" Sora cried, his kawaii toaster knobs covering his metal lips in pure shock. He then turned around to face Demyx, the possessor of this monstrous p33n0r, whipping out his own. It wasn't NEARLY as big, but it could hold out a battle. "IT'S TIME TO COCK!DUE--"
Demyx was gone.

As the dust settled like in Sora's many "Dragon Cock X" movies he realized to his unkawaii horror that not only was Demyx's gone before he could cock-slap him with the cock of a horny God but he had also taken Riku with him.
"IT'S NOT FAIR YOU ASSBOATS!" Sora shouted out loud at the top of his… Do toasters have lungs?
SUDDENLY!
"Aaaw, how cute! The lame little toaster misses his stupid boyfriend, boo-hoo!"
It was Larxene. Sora turned around to face the dildo. "WHAT THE-?!"
She had brought backup, a thick and furious whip with blue hair and a evil anime catgirl smile from Otakon on her lips. "And I pity the foolish fools who foolishly believe in their foolish foolishness that they can foolishly stand a foolish chance against the Organization!" she said.
Dildo!Larxene giggled. "Meet our new trainee, #14 herself, Franziska!"
Sora gasped like any toaster would and came since he had been masturbating during the Nobodies stupid speech as he was preoccupied thinking about Riku. "I'm sorry wut lol?"
Larxene transferred facepalm.gif to Sora and Franziska did the same.
"Oh… Sorry. I was thinking about Riku lol." Sora said.

Larxene became angry, which was her usual state of being. "You didn't expect that FAG Demyx to be final boss of this level Sora, now did you? That was but a small diversion to capture your fag-friend to claim his heart! But now you must prepare for the real deal – the deadly duo of Larxene and Franziska von Karma!" she said. Yuri much?
Sora grinned and readied his magical wand, already erect again, and held it with his knobs just like a Keyblade. "Finally! A boss fight! >:D" he said.
Franziska snarled at him. "You foolish fool! I don't think you REALIZE what you've foolishly gotten yourself into!" But contrary to what she believed Sora had realized it. If cockslapping these unkawaii bitches was what he had to do to get Riku back up his butt he had to do what he had to do in his kawaii quest just like Phillip J. Fry had to do what he had to do in his kawaii quest.
Franziska entangled herself around Larxene who charged them both up with electric electricity. Now they both were charged up like a puma's car battery on crack.
Sora thought it'd be easy, but this boss fight would be hard – literally. Sora jumped towards the yurilicious duo he shouted “FOOOOOR RIIIIIKUUUU!!!” and readied himself to slam his manhood mace into the ground to kill the two unkawaii bitches in a kawaii earthquake measuring 13.37 on the Richter scale. But then, whip!Franziska entangled herself around Sora's sugar sword and electrocuted him, causing his MANreactor to reach a meltdown. Sora fell to the ground, cumming gallons of cum in mid-air. He was exhausted and panted as his metal body hit the ground.
Larxene and Franziska shouted SWEEEET and did a high-five in mid-air.
"Score one for the bad guys!" Franziska said evilly.
"You were a foolish fool to foolishly think you could foolishly cock!fence your foolish way through this one you foolishly foolish fool foolishly doing foolish things out of sheer foolery!"
Sora's flesh fang was getting soft from the massive ejaculation that had all but emptied his toaster balls of seed, but he knew he had to get up and keep on fighting them. He had to do it… For Riku.
Sora thought of Riku and his war mastodon grew large and thick once more. He jumped up as if he had inserted a coin and pressed start. "It's time to cock!duel, suckas! >:3" He said, feeling happy and horny that some one was around to hear him say that catch phrase this time around.
This would be the one battle to decide them all… For love.
"FOR RIKUUUUUUUU!" Sora cried again since original dialogue is for faggots, gripping his rod of justice once again with his kawaii little toaster knobs and doing an epic backflip out of harm's way.
"HAW HAW HAW!" Larxene and Franziska laughed maniacally. Well, it was more like Larxene laughing maniacally and Franziska doing more of a sexy-like chuckle. BUT STILL. "You're still up and at it, toasterfag? Why do you even bother trying to defeat the likes of us?" Franziska only emphasized what she just said by cracking her whip... which means she was pretty much cracking herself.
Said toasterfag didn't say much on the matter. Instead, he only glared (which didn't look threatening at all, just very laughable since Sora's just a moeblob anyways) and began to charge up his cum laser. It was hard for his tiny metal knobs to reach the entire length, but it was workable.
"You moron! <3" Larxene giggled before making a >:3 face and sending an electric jolt towards Sora's direction. OH NO SORA WAS DOOMED
"Wait til you see my new moves lol!" Sora cried, shooting out... bread? Yes, that's right, BREAD from his metal man-machine. "Well, I AM a toaster. This is for you, pookie-bear!"
The bread that was shot out seem to... SHIELD the kawaii toaster from the electric jolt, and suddenly, the combination of Larxene's electricity and Sora's bread made... toast!
"Just as planned!" Sora remarked, stealing a line from that shitty Death Note series as he jumped up and grabbed the new piece of toast, landing back on his kawaii toaster feet and sliding back on the ground a bit from the impact.
"Wh-what?!"
"NOT AS PLANNED!"
"Kame..." Sora began, charging himself up once again.
"FOOL!"
"IDIOT!"
"MORON!"
"Hame..." he continued.
"GET HIM, YOU FOOL!"
Larxene glared at Franziska for calling her a fool, already knowing how much of a sexy beating she was gonna give the whip later for that. BUT NOW, SORA. She charged towards him in attempt to quickly stop him! Afterall, he was vulnerable now.
"......HA!!!!!!" Sora shouted, shooting a massive laser from his gigantic God Cock that made the motherfucking Death Star look like a fucking squirt gun, hitting Larxene and Franziska and sending them flying out into the deepest reaches of space.
“WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT KID HAVE A FUCKING BATTLESHIP CLASS BEAM CANNON IN HIS COCK?!!” Larxene shouted with CAPS LOCK on.
“FOOLISH FOOL! Now WE’RE the FOOLISH FOOLS! He broke my perfect court record you faggot! I’ll get you for this Soraaaa~!!”
A blink in the skies, they were in orbit. Sora turned his right knob into a fist and shouted “YEEAAAH!!! I’M THE MOTHERFUCKING FIST OF THE NORTH STAR!” in a display that was so fucking GAR that it even got the other stupid household appliances to look away from Roxkips and onto the fabulously FURIOUSLY GAR display Sora was giving with his GARcock. He had won his first boss fight and gained over nine thousand experience points. Now he only had to find Riku… For love.

MEANWHILE…
Far away in the outermost reaches of space, a cinematic took place following the boss fight, as per always in shitty games.
Picture in your imagination a dark room with a bunch of people gathered in a circle. That’s right, just like in every cliché film ever. Draw the image in your mind, the plot (??!!!) can wait. One of these shadowy figures, in a dark cloak and aged around nine million, made a bitter remark, “The force is strong with this one.” He noted.
“But mein leader…”, another started, “Will diz allied schweinhunt hinder our plans planz für our große Reich?”
”Motherland would not forgive.” Noted a third. “The Third Anti-Spiral must dispatch its most elite beat agent to destroy this threat.”
“Dispatch… CODENAME: VIRAL.”
Enter the scene: The crossover bad guys of this story that, like all KH badguys, lyk ttly weren’t just pasta’d from something else with little relevance to anything at all. Sora’s adventure had only begun. Soon he’d have to conclude his epic quest… For love.

To be... (dramatic pause)... continued...!!
Ahaha, oh wow. Enjoy your S.A.D.
In other news, birthday/eviction coming up tomorrow with all the joys of being bitched at by buregoise buerocratic fucks and sustaining a lethal barrage of stupidity from my brother and extended family in general. Will some one please grant me political asylum some place far away from plx? D: